Why I Don't Believe in This Outdated Myth
Hang up your willpower next to your unicorn saddle and fairy wings
I don't believe in willpower.
Not even a little bit.
If you take a look at the literal definition, and you know anything about me, you’ll see why I’ve tossed that myth into the bin of unhelpful bullshit.
will·pow·er /ˈwilˌpouər/
noun
control exerted to do something or restrain impulses.
"most of our bad habits are due to laziness or lack of willpower"
Willpower is defined as something you either have (winner) or lack (lazy loser), as if willpower is as real and measurable as the dollar in your pocket, with the blame and shame baked right in for extra-gooey destructiveness.
It reminds me of the saying "pull yourself up by your bootstraps," which was originally sarcastic and meant to describe something that's literally impossible to do. It's psychological sleight of hand: take something that's fundamentally impossible, rebrand it as a virtue, and then blame people when they can't achieve it. "Oh, you can't defy the laws of physics? Must be a character flaw!"
They’ve turned willpower into the same type of personality test by taking the normal human experience of struggling with behavior change, pretending like there's some magical internal force that makes it easy, then shaming people when they can't conjure this superpower!
The myth of willpower has convinced millions of people that they're failures when the real failure is the system we've been taught to believe in.
I hear it from people all the time: "I just don't have the willpower." They say it with such genuine shame, like they're confessing to some inherent character defect. They truly believe that willpower is an innate trait and theirs is somehow malformed–that they're missing some essential piece of human equipment that "successful" people were born with.
But you can't lack something that doesn't exist.
Now, let me be clear, I'm not saying that impulse control issues aren't real. ADHD, addiction, eating disorders, and other conditions that genuinely affect executive function are legitimate concerns that deserve proper treatment and support. But that's exactly my point: when impulse control is impaired, it's a medical issue with real interventions, not a character failing that you fix by "trying harder."
The willpower myth does a massive disservice to people with genuine neurological differences by suggesting their struggles are moral failures, while simultaneously making neurotypical people feel broken when white-knuckle approaches don't work for lasting behavioral change.
When someone says "I just don't have enough willpower," what they're really saying is: "I'm using a broken system and blaming myself when it doesn't work."
Hang Up Your Willpower Next to Your Unicorn Saddle and Fairy Wings
You know what creates lasting change? Intention, design, and self-compassion.
The people who you think have "strong willpower" aren't grinding through life with superhuman discipline. They've just created a system that works for them instead of against.
When you wash your face every night (my first lil' habit), you're not using willpower. You're following a simple system that you've made automatic. When you put your gym clothes next to your bed, you're being intentional about reducing friction.
Every time you think "I should have more willpower," I want you to ask instead: How can I make this easier?
After years of coaching people through change, here's what I've seen work:
Design, not discipline: Instead of relying on some mystical inherent strength, design your environment and habits to make the better choice the obvious choice.
Small actions, not heroic efforts: Sustainable change comes from ridiculously small actions repeated consistently, not from herculean displays of will.
Curiosity, not judgment: When things don't go as planned, get curious about what happened instead of beating yourself up for lacking some intangible inner force.
Systems, not strength: Create simple, repeatable systems that don't require you to be superhuman every single day.
Willpower is not a character trait. It's a myth that keeps you stuck in a cycle of self-blame instead of focusing on what actually works: smart design, environmental changes, and ridiculously small steps.
So the next time you’re struggling with behavior change and someone tells you that you just need more willpower, mentally swap the word “willpower” with “magic fairy dust” and exit stage left. Then go design a system that actually works for you.
When you stop believing in the myth of willpower, it frees you up to get genuinely curious about what's actually in your way. Let me know what you discover!
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Disclaimer: My Substack posts are my personal reflections and should not be taken as clinical guidance or treatment. Consult qualified experts regarding your specific health needs.